


The Star Trek Medical Drabbles Collection

by mandykaysfic



Series: Medical drabbles [4]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 19:21:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandykaysfic/pseuds/mandykaysfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Voyager collection of future medical products.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Star Trek Medical Drabbles Collection

_Tu-Block: For When You Don’t Want Their Thoughts_

Summary: The EMH developed this one after pondering on Kashyk’s gloves.

 

Are you a touch-telepath?

Do you work with non-touch-telepaths who cannot keep their hands or other body parts to themselves and thereby inadvertently share their every thought with you?

Does your workplace have strict uniform requirements that forbid you to wear gloves or protective clothing?

Use Tu-Block!

One application of Tu-Block to your skin provides protection from emotion absorption for up to twelve hours.

Tu-Block 30 is formulated to stop penetration of all emotions.  
Tu-Block 10 allows penetration of superficial emotions only. Suitable for persons employed in industries where a gauge of customer feelings is important.

Tu-Block - Another Petri-Dohlman product.

 

END

 

_Ocampazine: Making Male Pregnancies Even Easier_

 

Summary: When Voyager returned to the alpha quadrant, the EMH started his own pharmaceutical company on the side – Delta Drugs. This was his first release.

 

For years, male humanoids have been able to experience pregnancy thanks to Xyrillidine. 

Delta Drugs announces the next generation of fertility drugs – Ocampazine for Men.

Ocampazine has eliminated the major side-effect of Xyrillidine – the unpredictable location of the pseudosac. Ribcages, thighs and shoulders all had special care requirements.

With Ocampazine, the pseudosac grows on the parent's back, eliminating respiratory and weight distribution problems and the prospect of a less-painful pregnancy is a bonus.

Ocampazine allows working at consoles to continue throughout the pregnancy, unimpeded by an ever-expanding abdomen. Practice being pregnant by wearing a backpack!

Ocampazine: by Delta Drugs.

 

END

 

_Kazonoglam: For Those Bad Hair Days_

Summary: Delta Drugs also manufactures personal grooming products.

 

Do you often wake up with bed head?  
Does humidity cause your hair to look like you brushed it with a plasma inducer?  
Do people think you have a symbiotic relationship with the small furry animal roosting on your scalp?

Introducing Kazonoglam - your most versatile grooming aid.

Containing cormaline and water, Kazonoglam tames the most unruly locks.  
Never worry about hair loss again. Not one single hair will fall when you use Kazonoglam.

If you are already bald, try Kazonoglam-X. This causes hair to boldly grow where none has grown for ages.

(Use with caution on locations other than scalp)

END

 

_Nano Vidiian Interspecinate: Aids Transplants Within All Species_

 

Delta Drugs announces the latest development in hybrid technomedicine - 

**Nano Vidiian Interspecinate**

Nano Vidiian Interspecinate revolutionizes transplant procedures by doing away with the need for administration of anti-rejection drugs for the remainder of the recipient’s life, particularly with interspecies transplants.

A melding of advanced Vidiian interspecies transplant techniques and Borg nanotechnology by Voyager’s holographic CMO has resulted in this incredible advance in technomedicine. The patient receives an infusion of specially programmed nanites at the time of transplantation, which rewrite the autoimmune genes responsible for tissue rejection and replaces them with Vidiian codes. 

Nano Vidiian Interspecinate: Aids Transplants Within All Species

 

END

 

_Akoonazyme: The Handy Way to Reach the Ancestors_

Summary: Just what you need when you don’t have access to your akoonah

 

Have you ever needed to speak with the ancestors urgently but you left your akoonah in your quarters?  
Been stranded without luggage on a planet and unable to consult your spirit animal?

Now you can reach higher planes in an instant with Akoonazyme.

Two tablets dissolved beneath the tongue will provide you with ten minutes lucid dreaming.

A handy hypospray will have you on a vision quest of a dose-related length suitable for all your needs.

Akoonazyme is non-addictive, non-peyote derived and safe for multiple usages.

Akoonazyme is manufactured by Kolopak and sons, purveyors of natural alternatives for five generations.

 

END

 

_The Srivani-chip: Affecting your DNA with Impunity_

Summary: This might be the latest way to win at the Olympics, or something.

 

Do you want to push yourself to extremes?   
How far can you go physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Chemically?  
Do you need that short burst of 'oomph' to actually achieve a goal?

The Srivani-chip is for you.

The Srivani-chip uses the latest in submolecular technology to affix a transmitter to an individual strand of your DNA.   
For example, you may now precisely control the amount of adrenalin released by your body when you need that 'fight, flight or fright' response to jump higher or run faster, or supply an extra dose of hormones when needed.

Purchase your Srivani-chip today.

A Microchip Exclusive.

 

END


End file.
